Are You Making Stay-At-Home Daughterhood Attractive To Your Girls?

On this blog I usually aim my speaking to single women and fellow stay-at-home daughters but today I want to talk to parents of girls.

Many of the readers on this blog who are married with children have expressed the desire for their daughters to live at home and be “stay-at-home daughters” until they marry.

I’ve got a question for you.  If you want your daughters to live at home are you making this an attractive option for them?  When a young woman becomes an adult there are many options offered to her.  What are you doing to make being a stay-at-home daughter an appealing choice?

If you want your girls to be stay-at-home daughters here are my recommendations for you, from a single woman’s prospective:

 

Let Her Choose To Remain Under Your Authority

If you feel the Lord is calling your adult daughter to remain at home express your desires for this to your daughter and encourage her in this direction but allow her to make the final choice.  If she does not “own” the choice for herself this will most likely cause contention in your family.  If your daughter feels forced to live at home  and submit to your authority chances are she will struggle with bitterness and look for a way out.  If she makes the choice to live at home and follow your leadership she will more likely enjoy the opportunity and there will be more unity and closeness within the family.  In our family I have a set of responsibilities that are expected of me but I still have the ability to plan my own day and make many choices on my own.

Give Her Freedom To Be an Adult

When your daughter makes the transition from childhood to adulthood your parent-child relationship MUST change.  You cannot continue to treat her as a child.  You must give her the freedom to be an adult.  This transition isn’t immediate the day she turns 18 or 21 but a gradual changing from ultimate parental authority to counselor, friend and her chosen authority.  If she is living in your house or you are providing for her financially that certainly calls for a type of authority but be careful not to take that too far and turn it into a controlling, micromanaging relationship.  It is much more pleasant for her to choose to submit to your authority because you provide good counsel and protection than for you to force her to conform to all your wishes.  Try to cultivate a relationship where she is free to make some choices on her own but wants to ask for your input and direction.

Cultivate a Good Relationship

Do you have a good relationship with your daughter?  Does she count you as beloved friends?  Your daughter will be much more likely to want to live in your home if you share a good friendship-relationship.  Be pleasant, be fun, be encouraging and supportive of her.  Make it known that she is very loved and valued.

Respect and Appreciation Her

Having your daughter live at home with you can be a special blessing and benefit.  Having the added help and companionship can be a great joy.  Let you daughter know that you really do appreciate her and respect her as a person.  Make it clear that she is not a burden but rather a valuable asset to you and your family and you don’t take that for granted.

Be Protectors and Providers for Her

Make sure your daughter knows that when she chooses to remain under your authority you will give her the best protection you possibly can.  Don’t cross the line of being overly protective but be appropriately involved in her physical and emotional safety.  Provide for her needs in whatever ways this is possible and right for your family.  Consider making her choice to live at home a very attractive option from a finance standpoint.

Help Her Find a Husband

Your goal in having your daughter live at home should not be to keep her there indefinitely it should be a transition place for her until she gets married or God calls her somewhere else.  You daughter most likely has great desires to meet a godly man, marry him and start raising a family of their own.  This is natural and good.  These are desires God put in her.  Make your home a safe place for her to talk about any possible interests she may have in a young man.  Make your relationship one where you are working together to find the right man.  Be willing to go out of your comfort zone to get to know young men and help her find the right one.  Let her know you are on the same team, you want her to get married and you are willing and happy to help her through this process.

Our family is not perfect but my parents made being a stay-at-home daughter look very attractive by maintaining these six things in our home and relationship.  If you hope to have your daughters live at home I would highly suggest creating this type of environment in your home.

One last thing, not every young woman can or should be a stay-at-home daughter.  Above all else submit your desires to the Lord.  He has a good plan for you daughter and following His will for her life will always be the best option.

Parents, how do you make being a stay-at-home daughter look attractive?  Single women what are some things that make (or would make) being a SAHD more appealing?

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Comments

  1. I`m a SAHD, and I chose to be because I knew my parents wanted me. My mom didn`t have that when she grew up. She was told that as soon a she turned 18 and graduated , she had to find somewhere else to live.Staying home has given me more time, I feel, to grow in my Christian walk. I `ve grown closer to my family as well. It is a blessing to know that I can be useful and helpful in the way our family functions. I get to be an example to my little sister and brother. People think SAHDs do nothing all day, but I help clean, cook, sew, teach my sister, and volunteer at our church.

  2. I am a SAHD, my parents made the option of staying at home appealing to me from a financial standpoint. I have a job, I contribute to the family by helping pay bills. They give me freedom but talk to me about the choices I make. I love being at home even though some people don’t understand. Never seen the point of moving out until I am married or led somewhere else. Right now God sees fit for me to be at home.

  3. I’m thankful for my parents direction growing up in making wise choices and following the Lord for what is best for me and my life. I made the choice, though my parents provided matierial, guidance, and support when I began makign that decision, and they have wonderfully fit into each of the area’s you have included in your article. :) They did not set out to do this, but by loving me they have accomplished these things with the Lord’s help and I know I am a very blessed girl. Though I do take my parents for granted at times, this makes me very thankful for them in my life.

  4. Marie-Louise says:

    Hi Ashley,

    I like the concept of a stay at home daughter. But I have some questions about it. All the time when I read about it, it’s about “until she marries”. What if it is God’s will that you stay single? You can’t live with your parents forever…
    I’m glad you said: “or is led elsewhere”. I’ve lived on my own since I was 21 (I’m 27 now), because I found a job too far from home. Actually my first job was in Asia… jobs after that one where in my country but still not close enough to stay at home. But I really believe God calls a lot of women just to serve Him in their church and neighbourhood. So when do they move out? Isn’t it sometimes just time to move out? My sisters (stay at home daughters until now) are at a conference this weekend, it is the first time in 29 years that my parents are at home just the two of them and they love it!

    Another question: I like that a lot of women prepare their daughters for mohterhood (I read about them on weblogs like yours and “raising homemakers” for example), but how do you keep the balance? I mean: when you’re “all the time preparing”, your focus might be on marrying and having children and not so much on finding your fullfillment in Christ alone! Only because of my fullfillment in Him, I’m content about my singleness.

    Last, but not least: Thank you for letting me translate your survey about Respect ( I asked you on this weblog some time ago). Right now, I’m doing the survey among the brothers of my Discipleship training and getting interresting anwers…!

    Bye, Marie-Louise

    • Hi Marie-Louise!
      Thank you very much for your good questions. Different people have different views about being a stay-at-home daughter. Some would say if a woman remains single she should always live in her parents house and while I feel this might be a good option for some I don’t think this can (or should) work for everyone. If God has called you to singleness chances are He’s given you a direction and a vision as to how/where you can serve Him as a single woman. I think it will look different for each woman but you would just have to follow the Lord’s leading in all that. I don’t think there are any cut and dry answers.
      I believe a woman should always seek to be under the protection of a man’s authority but that doesn’t necessarily mean her father. Pastors are often overlooked in this area. Now I’m not saying that a Pastor would help you make all your little decisions but He should (ideally) be there to give counsel and guidance for big life choices as shepherd of your local church.
      Yes! You are right we must keep our focus on Christ whether He is calling us to work on our homemaking skills or pursue another vocation. It can be hard to balance our lives sometimes. I think we need to keep in mind that our working, learning and serving is FOR Christ and HE brings us satisfaction not our service TO Him.
      You are very welcome about the survey! I’m glad it could be of use. I’d be interested to hear the responses you receive.
      Thanks for you honest questions. I’m not an expert but I hope this helped to clear things up a bit.

  5. We encourage our daughters to be at home simply by being honest with them. They know how hard it is to make it in this world. We’ve never hidden from them the realities of life. They are not longing to go out on their own because they know full well that it isn’t all fun and games. There is great responsibility when you are alone. They also have desires to remain pure, they know that that is extremely hard to do when out from under the guardianship of home. We have raised them to be smart and make wise decisions. Our oldest says she is never moving out! lol And, yes, you can live with your parents forever if you so desire and they are okay with it. My husband lived with his a very long time, then he cared for his dad through stage 4 cancer and death. Then, he met me! We married, and we just made a room for his mother. We were blessed to be able to care for her up until her last days on this Earth. It was a tremendous blessing, and a wonderful lesson for our children. If you have problems in your family relationships, we recommend joining Embassy Institute and going through Bill Gothard’s Basic Seminar. It’s really cheap, and those seminars can be life changing. I don’t usually promote things, but this heals families. It’s worth sharing.

  6. A second kitchen for the stay at home daughter would be helpful:) I remember wishing I could reorganize the kitchen MY way, or clean a drawer and have it STAY that way… too many cooks in the kitchen:)

  7. Christine says:

    Hi Ashley,
    While I don’t necessarily believe that being a SAHD is a great idea for everyone (I lived at college for 4 years and had an apartment with my best friend for two years following until I got married. My husband was in the military at the time and if I hadn’t already had a place “of my own” in my little apartment, I sincerely doubt I would have had the courage to move across the country with my new husband! Being on my own in our new house, in a new state, especially when he was deployed, would have been really daunting had I just been “plucked” from my parents’ home right before that…but I digress:), I think the guidance you are encouraging here is wonderful and very much needed to foster healthy mother-daughter relationships. My daughter is almost six, and reading your posts encourages me to be a godly mother to her and to treat her with respect, so that she will want to rely on her parents for appropriate authority as she grows. Thanks!!

  8. I am a home-schooled, teenage girl in my second to last year of high school. My desire is to stay at home when I graduate, and perhaps pursue college online courses, and that is what my parents wish as well. But I also know I have their support, that they want me to make my own decisions for my life, and that if going away was what I believed to be right for me, that they would back me up 100 percent.
    I appreciate that so much, you have no idea what that means to me as a young adult! The fact that they want me as well, that I am valued, makes a great difference in the way I view “stay at home daughter-hood.”
    Right now am learning the skills I need for a writing career, while also learning how to manage a household. My parents encourage me develop my talents and hobbies, and also to start my own small business from home. Skills that will be invaluable in keeping me from wasting my single years, and in keeping me from getting bored!
    Marriage is a good thing, but I have been taught not to languish in a tower while my future prince is out slaying dragons, but to be doing, even as he is, using my single years to learn, and to bless others. Not that I am always a blessing. (I am not the least bit perfect;)
    Thanks so much for a very interesting, and thought provoking post!
    God bless you!

  9. I have had the desire to stay at home until marriage, but my relationship with my parents is too volatile. I am 20 years old with no freedom, and I am constantly micromanaged and ridiculed. I love being around my siblings and the financial freedom staying at home grants me, but you’re right: the way I’m treated by my parents has made me bitter and I fear, rather, I KNOW our relationship will be irreversibly damaged if they don’t change or if I don’t leave. I plan on moving out in 3 months.

    • I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It must be quite a struggle being in those conditions. Have you ever considered talking to a pastor about your family relationships? Perhaps he would be able to give some guidance and help before the relationship is too far gone.

  10. I’m not a stay at home daughter, though I am an unmarried 20-something. Being a stay-at-home daughter is not something my parents ever expressed a wish for me to be, in fact their expectations of me were quite the opposite. But had it been their wish I think all these things would have made it more appealing. As would being able to continue my education as a commuter student or similar. (Not that college is required for a career by any stretch, but for me it was always something I had looked forward to pursuing).

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